Basic Facets of Attachment Parenting
A broad explanation of Attachment Parenting is that it emphasizes the connections between parents and their kids, but also nurtures those bonds. For a more in-depth definition, check out the 8 principles of Attachment Parenting:
Prepare for pregnancy, birth, and parenting
This essentially entails getting into the right headspace before you have the baby. Try to eliminate negative thoughts and deal with fears and anxiety before your baby is born (Personally, we didn’t decide to use Attachment Parenting until a few months after our first child was born, so I can’t attest to how that looks. But vocalizing your fears to your partner and family is a good start). Make a packing list and get your hospital bag ready.
Feed with love and respect
Nursing, bottle feeding, spoon feeding—Those are all bonding moments for you and your child and should be treated as such. They will learn to associate those experiences with positive thoughts and emotions. It also lets them know you respond to their needs and that they can trust you (For us, that meant nursing on demand).
Respond with sensitivity
Don’t punish crying or tantrums. Instead, use the moment as an opportunity for communication and an investigation into the root cause of the behavior. They’re trying to tell you something and if you can get down on their level, you might figure it out together in a positive manner.
Use nurturing touch
Attachment parenting is definitely touchy feely, but not weirdly so. This looks like a lot of early skin-to-skin time, baby wearing, feeding on demand, bed sharing, rocking to sleep, etc. Did you know that babies worn in slings or carriers cry less? It’s true and there are so many more benefits of baby wearing (This was how I dipped my toes into attachment parenting. The baby carrier made a tremendous difference in my firstborn’s mood).
Engage in nighttime parenting
Attachment parenting recommends room-sharing with the crib or bassinet nearby. They don’t see parenting as something that stops when the sun goes down and believe that babies need love and attention even in the middle of the night. Some Attachment parenting families also bed share, although the AAP does not recommend the practice (We co-slept and shared a bed with all 3 of our kiddos).
Provide constant loving care
Attachment parenting puts an emphasis on being present and that includes time spent with your child. That might include family date nights or taking them along on your daily walk/workout. Attachment Parenting discourages daycare, but it’s not impossible to practice this brand of parenting if you work outside of the home. It’s not an all-or-nothing lifestyle.
Practice positive discipline
This includes distraction and redirection for younger children. You can also model the desired behavior and use positive reinforcement for behaviors you like. Remember, Attachment Parenting emphasizes understanding your child so you can work out a solution together. It discourages yelling or spanking (Again; we are human. There are 3 kids under the age of 5 at my house. There is yelling. Whether it’s me or the 3 kids, someone is always being loud).
Strive for balance in personal and family life
Remember when I said it’s not all-or-nothing? You should take breaks, care for yourself, assess your mental health, and figure out what works for your particular situation. Every family is unique and being present will help you understand the needs of your tribe.
What Parts we Kept
So, now that we’ve gone over the 8 principles, let’s get real about what parts my family and I kept. Mostly, we let the kids dictate their schedule, but we don’t let them run wild. That means they wake up and go to bed when they want to, but we have routines before and after. They wake up at the crack of dawn, followed by quiet time and breakfast. Then, we go outside and learn something, followed by lunch and more playtime. In the evenings, we hang out together, do dinner, and watch television.
We are almost always together. I can count on my hands how many times they’ve been to a sitter. That’s not really by choice either. We have limited options for babysitters and that’s part of the reason we fell into Attachment Parenting.
I also baby wear for several hours a day and have done so with each child. I wear them in carriers, slings, and wraps. It helps them feel comfortable while I get to clean my house. Sometimes they nap. Other times, they just take in the view. When I have my youngest in a carrier, I don’t have to constantly make sure his siblings are being careful around him, so it helps my mental health too.
Like I said above, we also co-sleep and bed share. When they were tiny, that meant a mattress directly on the floor so no one would roll off. It also meant no blankets around them and no pillows. I usually tucked my small throw blanket under my body so I wouldn’t throw it over their faces in my sleep. Because they were in my bed, it was easy to parent through the night. I could easily roll over and nurse them back to sleep, which meant more sleep for me.
We also use a lot of positive reinforcement for everything. They’re encouraged to do simple tasks around the house for themselves (get a cup of water, pick up toys, feed the dog), and they get praised for doing so. We also offer praise for being kind to one another. All of our kids are very affectionate to one another and often say “I love you.” It may be the proud mother in me, but I feel like our parenting style has encouraged this.
Why Do We Do it?
When I had my firstborn, she was a screamer. All hours of every day, she screamed and cried from colic, or so we thought. She did have reflux, but she was also a high needs baby, which I came to realize after reading The Fussy Baby Book. In it, Dr. Spears spoke about Attachment Parenting, which led me down the rabbit hole.
While I was down there, I discovered I was already doing quite a bit of it and didn’t even realize it. However, my parenting style was born from necessity. At first, I thought I was being lazy by wearing my baby all day and not letting her “cry-it-out.” I felt self-conscious and sad when I looked at how I was making it day-to-day. But through the lens of Attachment Parenting, I saw myself doing a great job, and it allowed me to see how much happier my baby was when I followed the practice.
As we had more kids, we didn’t struggle the way everyone told us we would. They simply fit into our already lax lifestyle where we rocked our babies and held them all they wanted. My oldest models those behaviors now with my youngest and, of course, her baby dolls.
How Does it Affect Our Kids?
Overall, they’re happy, vibrant, and smart. I may be biased, most parents are, but they’re well-adjusted and independent. Many would scoff and assume that they’re stuck to my hip, refuse to sleep in their beds on their own, or haven’t potty trained. Well, I’m happy to report that they met all of their milestones.
My older kids both sleep in their own beds and started that around age 3. Both potty trained by age 3. And my 4-year-old is learning to read, can tell you that “propulsion” makes a car go, and can cast a fishing rod like a pro.
These kids love to explore and learn. They’re the first to run into a crowd of kids and say hello when we go to the park and aren’t scared to climb to the tippy top of the jungle gym. Yes, it still gives me a heart attack.
As you can see, they’re pretty typical, which may surprise those who disagree with Attachment Parenting. And there are a few. We had several people tell us we needed to train our babies, teach independence, make them bend to our will instead of us molding our lives around them. I’m glad we didn’t because our clingy, velcro babies are pretty great.
BIO / Breanna Leslie – yourcub.com
I’m a former therapist turned writer. I earned a master’s in psychology in 2015 but ultimately decided I’d like to be more present for my family. Currently I’m a stay-at-home mother of two toddlers (with another baby on the way). I enjoy writing in the parenting and home/DIY niches. I also write fiction and have been published in a handful of literary magazines and a fiction anthology. In my spare time, I enjoy blogging, painting, running, and drinking an absurd amount of coffee!
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